Single Mother wants to vent. I’m feeling frustrated and hurt and a bit confused

Context: My ex husband was very verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive/controlling. We separated for two years and have 3 children. He has been my only support (not very good one) for the last two years as Ive had no family here.

My mom and I have a difficult relationship where I believe she has some emotional incest issues and immense jealousy issues/also can be controlling and manipulative.

However, she recently moved in with me so I stop being abused and controlled by my ex and can have support and help from family.

Venting now:

So, Ive noticed that my mom is great with my children! And helpful.. as long as Im around? One of the things she promised to give me if/when she moved in was some freedom and independence, space for me to heal and rediscover who I am when Im not abused woman/mom.

Im understanding now that my mom’s communication style has put me in the position to not feel very comfortable coming to her about anything.

Now, about a month ago, a week before my mom moved in, I connected with someone over Bumble and we’ve been chatting ever since. A week ago we finally met!

Now leading up to me meeting him, any time I talked about him or things hed say.. my mom got.. defensive? But with no reason to be? Id tell her something nice he said or a really thoughtful question hed ask. She’d get angry and snap, telling me things she hopes Im not going to do, things she wont let me do.. etc.

So we met and I felt like I couldn’t be out for long so we went out and he had me home 2 hours later.

Now, to give more context on the date nights, I’ve waited until 2 out of 3 of my children are asleep, make sure the dogs get walked.. etc before leaving. Which to me, I thought I was being mindful and accommodating?

The guy ended up asking me if I want to go on another brief date the next day after he done work/after my kids asleep. I said sure! Im going to be 30 next year, and I know my mom hasnt started a job yet so she’d be home.

I realise now I should be asking her instead of assuming. But Im still discovering ways that my autism affects my social interactions and especially with my mom whom I have a challenging relationship with, my usual communication skills are out the window.

Anyways, Once again, the kids were asleep, date was over within 2 hours and she was texting me at the 2 hour mark.

Since these first two ”dates” were more like hang outs/meet ups/do we feel connected enough to go on an actual date.. he asked me out on a real date! Dinner and an activity.

About 4 days later.

I let her know in advance, and told her that once again Id make sure her night was set up to be as easy as can be (everyone asleep.. etc).

Since we were doing dinner and an activity, I figured Id be about 4 hrs instead of the typical (thus far) 2 hours.

At the 3 hr mark she calls me yelling and demanding I come home.

Which Ill admit.. feels very embarrassing? Like I have a curfew, like I need ‘mommy’s permission’.

Im trying to navigate dating after abuse, as a mom, as a nearly 30 year woman, as recently diagnosed as autistic, and as someone with chronic pain disorders. I already feel like Im a difficult person to date because I have a lot of baggage and obstacles I need to work around.

And so far, this guy has not bothered, but feeling like a child/teenager.. Im starting to feel anxious that it’ll be too much.

Anyways, the reasons she called and demanded me to come home were just not.. reasons?? Nothing was wrong or urgent. She just didn’t want me out.

Now, Truthfully this man and I have wanted to spend more time together and our dates being cut short has been disappointing and likely the reason we’ve made more frequent dates. He has gone to see friends in the US this weekend and Ive asked him to isolate from seeing me for a couple of weeks post coming back from the US. He happily agreed and asked that we have one more date the night before he goes then so it doesnt feel as long as a wait to see each other. I gave my mom a 5 day heads-up.

Then we started discussing the possibility of the night turning into a sleeover, so I asked around to see if anyone could help my mom mind the kids over night and was left with no option but my ex husband (kids father). Who mind you isn’t the best but hes more triggered by my presence then anything and is fine with the kids and only times he hasnt been great with them was because I was triggering somehow and he took it out on them (emotionally/verbally) and still very seldom.

I wagered, since hes been on better behaviour with only seeing them 2-4 hrs a week, and theyd be asleep that just the extra hand would be calming for my mom.

Immediately when I told my mom this she screamed at me and told me “no you’re not allowed”, which is absolutely bringing up some feelings I have with her regarding past situations. Ive been being encouraged by my family and therapists.. etc to find my independence and take control over my life since Ive had no control over my own decisions for over a decade and have been isolated and miserable.

Im understanding that I obviously do not know how to do this and feel very defensive myself if I feel like someone is trying to control me.

Later that night after avoiding me all day and calling all of my family to discuss how selfish and stupid I was being,

she decided to come upstairs at 9pm and confront me.

I had been preparing all day to chat with her and had been writing down what I wanted to say! From the expectations I had with the premise of her coming to live with me, to boundaries I have, to how this situation is making me feel, to trying to compromise.

This did not happen.

She wouldn’t give me a word in edgewise and immediately yelled at me, called me stupid, dumb, selfish, an idiot. That Im punishing her and the children for my decision to be in an abusive relationship for a decade. And said ”who cares if you arent going to see this guy for a few weeks, hes not your f***ing boyfriend!”.

After everything she said to me I told her that Ill be going anyways and the accommodations have been made. And she said “whatever, its your life”.

I also had my sister call me and say these things as well.

Im hurt and confused, but trying to figure out how to talk to her. Which isnt working. Im fearful to ask anything of her as it becomes an argument and guilt.

She came here to let me heal from treatment just like this, and Im trying to figure out what control on my own life is like and how to do it and I obviously do not know how.

I am seeking counselling so we can have a professional unbiased mediator. But now my other family wont talk to me.

I did not yell or call her names, I know now I obviously should’ve been asking if she minded watching the kids. But it felt like it was previously understood that if shes here at home that I have the freedom to go and do things in order to do what I need, like heal, run errands, do activities that make me feel human again.. etc.

Her approach to talking to me is making me feel triggered and like Im right back in an abusive relationship.

I dont know what to do. Everytime shes around me, it doesnt take very long for us to butt heads and I really need her help as I have nobody else.

I want to talk healthily/civilly but she comes at me aggressively right away. Even just now as I typed this I expressed how Im hurt that nobody will talk to me and shes come at me pointing a finger literally, telling me off very aggressively and unwilling to hear me at all.

Im understanding my faults here. But Im so hurt and I don’t know how to do this. And truthfully it is making me feel undatable.